October 30, 2008

Spell B-i-t-t-e-r

Blame it on those social networking sites. You get connected to your ex-es whether you like it or not. You’ll get to see updates about him and the new friend he adds or the new photos and his current relationship status. “Married” it says now and I don’t know what drove me to check his photos…all 400 of them. From the preparations to the church to the reception and even during the pre nuptial pictures. Yes I’m over him…so over but there’s a part of me that wish he wouldn’t have been so happy. That the pain he caused me would be a curse upon him for the rest of his life. Yes, I’m definitely over! I was looking for flaws in the photos…for some bloopers like spilled wine on the bride’s dress or face perhaps. But her face was dry and the dress was perfectly white with all its laces and trims and intricate details. The weather was also dry not even a drop fell from the sky. She must’ve danced the famous “sun dance”. They both look happy and fine and shiny like a couple from a dream wedding. I failed to find any flaw not even in the cake…. Which was what I wanted in my own wedding…tiny cupcakes. They also had balloons and confetti that I also wanted. Great! When I’ll have cupcakes and balloons and confetti in my wedding they’ll think I stole their idea.

I’m over …over in a sense that I don’t feeling anything for him..love or hate yet I can’t still find it in my heart to be happy for him…them. And what really irks me now is that I can’t probably have the dream wedding that they had and I'm irritated with myself why I’m even comparing my life to theirs in the first place.

But I’m happy…I really am…that’s why I braved to look at their photos in the first place because I know I’ll feel no pain anymore but the bitter taste in my mouth seems hard to get rid of.


October 24, 2008

Life for Sale

Last Friday I learned two things. First, that sometimes doing your job well can cost you your life and second life can be bought by a mere couple of bucks. I’m getting ahead of my story, here’s what happened.
Last Friday around 8:00 in the evening, an officemate called me to inform me that Kuya Aweng, one of our colleague and presently our section’s team leader was shot while driving. A motorcycle overtook his vehicle and the driver turn around and fired his gun, a single shot which went to Kuya Aweng’s shoulder. Then the motorcycle took off. He was with his family and his wife immediately called 911. He was rushed to San Pedro Hospital but after several minutes attempt of revival he was declared dead. When I learned about it I rushed to the hospital but I was too late. Apparently some people got angry at him because he was implementing controls in our trucking system. They were disgruntled because they can no longer make extra bucks from the fuel that they steal from our company. Where’s justice in that? And here’s more, they also threatened the other supervisors in our department saying that they’ll be killed next. We are all afraid here because a similar incident happened in another company in the same industry. 4 people were killed exactly a week apart.
It happened a week ago and until now I can’t seem to accept his death. We are not that close personally but we work alongside together everyday. I just can’t understand why it happened and I’m afraid of what might happen next. I’m angry why some people take killing lightly. It seems that life to them is cheap and dispensable. When they don’t like you…they’ll hire somebody…bang! Your life is over. There’s not much I can do except be vigilant and pray.


October 15, 2008

Birthday Gift

I love giving gifts and surprises to my friends and loved ones. I admit that I have an ulterior motive for doing this, I want to receive gifts and surprises too and I hope that by doing it, they’ll do it to me in return. Amen! So much for thoughtfulness and generosity J I've always prided myself for being original and creative. I don't want to just go the mall and grab anything so I'll have something to give. Each gift is well thought of and most of them are handcrafted. I would usually give hand made cards, bracelets, Today is Blow’s birthday and I wanted to give him something unexpected. I already gave him an advance birthday present a month ago when I chipped in cash for his Sanuk. Last year I gave him a pair of Havaianas and a long stemmed rose. This year I was planning to give him 28 gifts because it’s his 28th birthday but I ran out of time preparing so I bought him a Sudoku puzzle book instead because he mentioned that when he have nothing to do at work he would answer crossword puzzles and sudoku in the newspaper.


October 8, 2008

at the crossroad again

I am yet again at a crossroad. Those who know me might say “Raine, you’re always at a crossroad”. That’s quite true especially when it comes to what I want to do with my life. I am thinking again of quitting my job and look for better opportunities. I don’t want to work anymore. It pains me to wake up early in the morning and go to work. I just want to wake up late. Surf the internet, download Heroes, Dexter and etc Go places, travel. Read books. Go out with my friends. I’m not a career oriented person and my dream in life is to be a plain housewife or be a nomad traveling from one place to another. But I’m not born with a golden spoon and actually have to work for a living. I’m seriously considering quitting my job and start my own business or maybe pursue an online career in blogging, online tutorials and etc. so I have full control of my time. There are a lot of possibilities yet I’m scared to make the big jump from being financially secure to the “unknown”. I believe that I have a promising business selling stuffs but I know I can’t rely on it full time. I can take it to the next level by having my own store but I’m afraid of borrowing capital coz I might not be able to pay it back. I know I am a wimp by not taking risks but I just want to be realistic. It’s really hard when you’re torn between what you want to do and what you are supposed to do, between your dreams and your responsibilities. I just fear (there’s that word again) that if I’ll continue on being a corporate slave I might wake up one day and wonder what happened to my life. I fear that I won’t be able to do what I want. But the irony is I can’t actually do what I want without doing what I don’t want to do. Great! I’m now talking in riddles.
...to be continued


October 6, 2008

Something in common

It would be nice to be in a relationship with someone who shares your interest. I love reading and I wished before that I’ll end up with someone who’s also a bookworm. Unfortunately, Blow doesn’t share this passion. He only read books or magazine with pictures or drawings in it. It’s probably because he’s an artist and read artsy Lits which mostly have pictures or drawings. Sometimes, I would daydream about the endless conversations we could have about Harry Potter, Alex Cross, the recent books I’ve read and so on and so forth. We could talk on and on about it. Sometimes if I can’t help it I would actually talk on and on about a book I’ve read but mostly the conversation is one sided punctuated with his occasional "uh-huh’s". It’s a bit frustrating at times but I bet he also feels the same way when we would visit exhibits and I would only admire paintings or installations with vivid colors. I appreciate art, but I don’t “get” it most of the time. We both love the bookstore though, that’s "something in common", but for different reasons. He would buy his supplies of acrylics, brushes and browse the art books. I would check the latest books. Yesterday we went to National Bookstore. I ogled at the hardbound books for sale..all at P99! As I was checking the books, Blow would hand me books he finds interesting and then I told me him I’m looking for mystery, suspense.. crime books. He then looked for it and hand me one each time he comes upon books with murder or kill or death on the title. He even handed me a Jonthan Kellerman book because of the “Keller” har!har! I was deeply touched by his support. It made the book selection process a lot easier. It came to me then that recognition and acceptance of differences bonds two people closer even more than merely having something in common.