October 30, 2008

Spell B-i-t-t-e-r

Blame it on those social networking sites. You get connected to your ex-es whether you like it or not. You’ll get to see updates about him and the new friend he adds or the new photos and his current relationship status. “Married” it says now and I don’t know what drove me to check his photos…all 400 of them. From the preparations to the church to the reception and even during the pre nuptial pictures. Yes I’m over him…so over but there’s a part of me that wish he wouldn’t have been so happy. That the pain he caused me would be a curse upon him for the rest of his life. Yes, I’m definitely over! I was looking for flaws in the photos…for some bloopers like spilled wine on the bride’s dress or face perhaps. But her face was dry and the dress was perfectly white with all its laces and trims and intricate details. The weather was also dry not even a drop fell from the sky. She must’ve danced the famous “sun dance”. They both look happy and fine and shiny like a couple from a dream wedding. I failed to find any flaw not even in the cake…. Which was what I wanted in my own wedding…tiny cupcakes. They also had balloons and confetti that I also wanted. Great! When I’ll have cupcakes and balloons and confetti in my wedding they’ll think I stole their idea.

I’m over …over in a sense that I don’t feeling anything for him..love or hate yet I can’t still find it in my heart to be happy for him…them. And what really irks me now is that I can’t probably have the dream wedding that they had and I'm irritated with myself why I’m even comparing my life to theirs in the first place.

But I’m happy…I really am…that’s why I braved to look at their photos in the first place because I know I’ll feel no pain anymore but the bitter taste in my mouth seems hard to get rid of.

0 retrospection: