and yet...

I am the most selfish person I know. I thought I’ve changed…grew up but no…things that happened lately had made me realize that I’m still the same immature person that I once was. I still can’t get enough of people’s time, affection. I am still insatiable. I still want to be the center of the universe of the people around me. I am still pride personified. I am egocentric. I am insecure. And I keep on hurting people to spare myself of pain. I keep on letting people go…pushing them away because I badly needed them to stay. I am damaged and I love to wallow in my misery. The scars have healed but sadly the lessons were not yet learned. I want to be happy but I’m happy being unhappy. I hate to be the victim yet I keep myself shackled in my own chains. I’m too scared to be brave. I don’t have enough strength to be strong. I have mastered the art of breaking my heart and convincing myself that the broken pieces were unnecessary. That I don’t need to be whole to be alive but then now I feel so dead. And I’m weary of hiding behind the excuses I made for myself. And I know only I can save myself from whatever hell it is I designed for myself and yet . . .